Bow Ho Hmmm?

I have to "de-cat" the Christmas presents every year. No ribbon is allowed in the house at all as I'm tired of finding half eaten ribbon vomit on the floor or my bed.

It's nice giving a present to friends & family with a few missing & mutilated chewed corners.

Here is the evidence of what they have been up to this year:



Bows must also be tasty

Sneaker cat

Adj. - Sneaky - marked by deception; underhanded, underhand, corrupt, crooked - not straight; dishonest or immoral or evasive.

Ever notice when your animal has done something bad or is about to do something bad they trot away quickly, sinking really low to the ground like they are invisible? They are trying to blend in to the carpet so you won't notice.

It makes the bad deed more obvious.

We call it "low sinking" or "a sneaker cat".

They think they are sneaky and getting away with it.   I can see her out of the corner of my eye trying to slither away inconspicuously - GUILTY!!  

I always know when the cat has clawed the couch, gotten into the garbage, beat up on the other cat or generally done or almost did what they knew they were not supposed to do.

They act veeeeery heavy like a dead-weight-sack-of-useless-hair-that-sometimes-hisses.  

"There is no cat here, now piss-off!"

Back pain

Why does she put her paw on my mouth while I'm sleeping?

I have dreams of not being able to move, then the back cramping & pain, and the smell of cat litter. I open my eyes and the paw is on my lips. Ahhh!!

Who wants to wake up to that?

I struggle to get her off and she is like glue.

Not budging.

She stays in that very spot that you can't reach so I try and roll over - she just holds on and sinks down. "Geeeeet oooooowwwwffff!"

Now rotten one HATES her paws being touched. So I make sure I rub then all over so I quicky irritate the offender. They slowly slink back to the hairy body in which they came from. Then a soon as I am asleep they are back!

Aaaack, bleeeh!

So I wake up the warm body next to me.

I am in need of an assisted Cat-a-polt. She was warned.



She even looks like Satan-devil cat... up to no good.

Cat bribery

I'm tired of washing the sacrificial article of clothing in order to bribe the cat who insists on being in her own chair, next to my desk. So I found a new cat bribery (actually it's a dog bed) at IKEA! It perfect cat size and a cute flower- too bad there is a spoiled, rotten seed in it.

"Bring me the Wookie and Solo..."



It even looks like she is wearing the slave bikini

Fractious

So I heard a new word on TV this week from the Animal Planet - Animal rescue show. The investigator said "be careful there... that one is really fractious!". Hmmm....

frac·tious adj.

1. Inclined to make trouble; unruly.

2. Having a peevish nature; cranky

Adj.	1.	fractious - stubbornly resistant to authority or control; "a fractious animal that would not submit to the harness" (OR ANY OTHER RULES) ; "a refractory child" (OR CAT) recalcitrant, refractory disobedient - not obeying or complying with commands of those in authority; "disobedient children" (OR CAT)
	2.	fractious - easily irritated or annoyed; peevish, pettish, petulant, irritable, techy, testy, tetchy, nettlesome, peckish, scratchy, cranky ill-natured - having an irritable and unpleasant disposition

That just about sums up the rotten one...

Dear Cat

Dear Cat,

I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.

First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there.

Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?

I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.

Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.

Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a piece of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.

(This is from the Best of Craigslist- thanks to whoever wrote it describing my cat!)

The Hairy Grinch

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.



Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.



You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool
sandwich with arsenic sauce.