Bow Ho Hmmm?

I have to "de-cat" the Christmas presents every year. No ribbon is allowed in the house at all as I'm tired of finding half eaten ribbon vomit on the floor or my bed.

It's nice giving a present to friends & family with a few missing & mutilated chewed corners.

Here is the evidence of what they have been up to this year:



Bows must also be tasty

Sneaker cat

Adj. - Sneaky - marked by deception; underhanded, underhand, corrupt, crooked - not straight; dishonest or immoral or evasive.

Ever notice when your animal has done something bad or is about to do something bad they trot away quickly, sinking really low to the ground like they are invisible? They are trying to blend in to the carpet so you won't notice.

It makes the bad deed more obvious.

We call it "low sinking" or "a sneaker cat".

They think they are sneaky and getting away with it.   I can see her out of the corner of my eye trying to slither away inconspicuously - GUILTY!!  

I always know when the cat has clawed the couch, gotten into the garbage, beat up on the other cat or generally done or almost did what they knew they were not supposed to do.

They act veeeeery heavy like a dead-weight-sack-of-useless-hair-that-sometimes-hisses.  

"There is no cat here, now piss-off!"

Back pain

Why does she put her paw on my mouth while I'm sleeping?

I have dreams of not being able to move, then the back cramping & pain, and the smell of cat litter. I open my eyes and the paw is on my lips. Ahhh!!

Who wants to wake up to that?

I struggle to get her off and she is like glue.

Not budging.

She stays in that very spot that you can't reach so I try and roll over - she just holds on and sinks down. "Geeeeet oooooowwwwffff!"

Now rotten one HATES her paws being touched. So I make sure I rub then all over so I quicky irritate the offender. They slowly slink back to the hairy body in which they came from. Then a soon as I am asleep they are back!

Aaaack, bleeeh!

So I wake up the warm body next to me.

I am in need of an assisted Cat-a-polt. She was warned.



She even looks like Satan-devil cat... up to no good.

Cat bribery

I'm tired of washing the sacrificial article of clothing in order to bribe the cat who insists on being in her own chair, next to my desk. So I found a new cat bribery (actually it's a dog bed) at IKEA! It perfect cat size and a cute flower- too bad there is a spoiled, rotten seed in it.

"Bring me the Wookie and Solo..."



It even looks like she is wearing the slave bikini

Fractious

So I heard a new word on TV this week from the Animal Planet - Animal rescue show. The investigator said "be careful there... that one is really fractious!". Hmmm....

frac·tious adj.

1. Inclined to make trouble; unruly.

2. Having a peevish nature; cranky

Adj.	1.	fractious - stubbornly resistant to authority or control; "a fractious animal that would not submit to the harness" (OR ANY OTHER RULES) ; "a refractory child" (OR CAT) recalcitrant, refractory disobedient - not obeying or complying with commands of those in authority; "disobedient children" (OR CAT)
	2.	fractious - easily irritated or annoyed; peevish, pettish, petulant, irritable, techy, testy, tetchy, nettlesome, peckish, scratchy, cranky ill-natured - having an irritable and unpleasant disposition

That just about sums up the rotten one...

Dear Cat

Dear Cat,

I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you.

First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there.

Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with?

I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny.

Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something.

Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a piece of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks.

(This is from the Best of Craigslist- thanks to whoever wrote it describing my cat!)

The Hairy Grinch

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.



You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.



Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.



You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool
sandwich with arsenic sauce.

"I'm having file problems today"

Can most people honestly say they have these file problems at work? "I can't shut my file drawer as there's a bunch of hair stuck in it. Oh yeah and it's sleeping"




A jacket, blanket or sweatshirt is usually sacrificed to the "cat bribery" in order to make a chair more appealing rather than MY files, MY keyboard or MY chair.



Snarfing around the cords (trying to punish me of course)



The exhausted collapse on the dayplanner tactic.



"Go ahead and ignore me... I'll show you... I'm going to make sure your computer bag has plenty of hair in it. Wait until I rub all over the black work pants!"



More "cat bribery" in the bedroom so they leave my bed alone. Now there is hair all over the cushions so nobody else will ever use them.

The Bathroom Troll

We have a bathroom troll. Most of the time we don’t know exactly where it’s at but it’s always there. It's lurking in the dark by itself or when you least expect it without reason. It hides in and behind things.

When the bathroom troll is not in the bathroom it will insist on following you in. Oh the crabbing & whining if you shut the troll out!

The troll likes to be hidden just so it can scare you when you are trying to relax & do your business.



Seriously? Really?

The troll likes to shamelessly (oops- I mean SHAMELESSLY) have use of the clean bath towels. Have you used a bath towel covered in cat hair on a wet human body?

The troll generally likes to hang out in the tub, even by herself with the lights off. On rare occasions, the troll will actually get into the bathtub with my nice, clean bath water- not realizing that it's full.

That makes the troll VERY ANGRY.

The Human shall learn

Cat's are the single most revengeful animal so you may not catch it at first… but the payback will be there. Oh yes, you will see.

My cat’s hate my family. They will hide in the bedroom and act like they are vicious cat abusers. You can’t even drag them out and then they act like even touching them is burning acid. But yet when the big mean looking cable guy comes over they are all loving- rolling & rubbing all over. Such friendly kitties! But when the family walks in the door with the small, loud pink beings then you can hear the claws on the carpet from the quick escape. My family also brings dogs- which I make sure stay outside. It didn’t work.

First time was little hard cat tokens that I found in my closet sock drawer a few days after they came over. This must be from the bad one?

Second time was at the top of the stairs. Well- I guess I OBVIOUSLY did not see the first warning loud & clear enough. This time someone wanted to make sure I saw it. This was the next morning after they came over. Okay fine, I get it.

Then there was Thanksgiving. My aunt brings over her small terrier and I told her she HAD to leave him in the car. NO DOGS! She said “oh it’s cold outside and he can sit on my lap”. I said “you don’t understand… the cats get very angry”. “Oh but he’ll be a good boy”. The cats were upstairs the whole time anyway so I thought they might not notice this time so I gave in. Not a chance.

After everyone left I found this “punishment” on the bath mat upstairs. Yes the littler box is upstairs, about 10 feet away. My god - did they save up a huge pile or something? I emailed this picture out to my family, including my Aunt titled “my cats thank you for coming over”.

Welcome to my Blog!

This all started because I read a lot of other people’s Blog’s. I also email out pictures and venting about my rotten cat to friends & family and they think it's funny and post it elsewhere.

Spanky is a 9 year old Himalayan and she's rotten, untrainable and stubborn.

She thinks she's #1 in the house. If she can't be #1 then she wants to be #2. This is how the battle of the wills started.




Shoulder Demon, the angel represents one's conscience while the demon represents temptation(s).